Hi world, it’s me again. I’m sure you’re wondering, why unicorns? Well, I would have loved to have one when I was younger. I’m sure we all would have loved to have one in the yard! However, I’m using unicorns as a euphemism for mental health issues in this case. It evokes more favourable, cute thoughts. Mental health issues still have so much negativity surrounding it. Even when A LOT of the general population either deal with their own unicorns or know of someone close to them who have their own share of unicorns. It’s not completely a unique issue that belongs to one gender, age, socioeconomic status, or culture. Unicorns do NOT discriminate. Anyone who believes that they do are totally kidding themselves.

My story begins many, many years ago when I was a teenager. I was dealing with my parents’ divorce and the passing of a few very close family members/friends. It was a lot for a teen to deal with and so I started to slowly withdraw from everyone around me. My school work suffered. My friends left me and I felt like I was a pariah. I felt that people around me, who I cared about, were leaving me because I did something wrong. I also felt that I was a jinx and caused loved ones to die. Irrational thinking, now I know this, but the point is, unicorns lie to us. They tell us things that are not real and we believe them. Not only do we believe them, but we also look for clues in our world that help to propagate these beliefs. So we sink even deeper in despair and we sometimes do things that we wouldn’t dare to think of in a happy state. Some people turn to drugs or alcohol. Some turn to self-harm. I turned to my bedroom and was alone. I stopped going out. I stopped taking care of myself (hygiene, clean clothing, daily care). I simply stopped caring. Thank goodness for my mother. Even with so much on her plate (I have two other siblings), she saw that something wasn’t right with me. This was beyond regular teenage stuff. This was something way worse. She got me help and in time, I came out of that black cloud funk that I fell into. It took years, YEARS, for things to change inside my head but I came out of it a better person.

So, let me fast forward to the birth of my first baby. On the wondrous occasion of my firstborn’s birth, after a long road of infertility, I sunk into a black hole of despair. Again. This time, it was postpartum depression/psychosis that robbed me of my happiness and ability to bond with my little cherub. It took me a couple weeks to realize that this wasn’t just the ‘baby blues’, and I had to convince my family that this wasn’t right. In this case, it was my family doctor to the rescue. She was the one who diagnosed me and helped me find a therapist who would still play a big role in my life. That, along with medicine, would eventually help bring me out of my dark period. I feel that this particular unicorn robbed me of precious time I could have had enjoying my new status as a mother and the time I would have with my infant. As parents know, the time that our little ones stay little goes by very quickly. I’ll never have those months again with my minion and I still grieve for that loss. However, I know that to be the best mom that I can be, I needed help and found it. It’s not a shot I can get and go on with my life. It’s something I need to work on every single day.

Now, I find that this unicorn is showing her head once more. Significant medical issues are taking over my life and that, in turn, is causing my unicorn to grow bigger and louder. Once again, my unicorn is lying to me and making me feel weak, inferior and unimportant. It’s actually quite toxic. My medical issues are years old now, as is my ugly unicorn. I’m fighting with all that I have but some days, it’s harder to fight than others. I am using medical cannabis (oil and vaping) to help with my medical issues. I was also hoping that the cannabis would help my unicorn issues (ie. depression and anxiety) but I don’t have the same success in it treating those as I do with it treating my physical pain. So for now, I still use medicine and my therapist to try to keep that unicorn in check. Again, I know it’s a process but it seems like I’m losing more days than I’m winning. It’s harder for me this time around because of the physical pain I am in. That takes so much effort to manage that I have nothing left for the rest of me.

I’m finding that my relationships are suffering again. My kids are too young to understand what I’m dealing with and complain when I don’t want to play with them and would rather lie down to rest or sleep. My husband is my rock and supports me completely but I feel like I’m letting him down. I cancel plans that I have with friends because I can’t deal with the effort it takes to go out. I will probably have fun with them but it’s too hard for me. I try to remind myself that this too shall pass. I try to use meditation, mindfulness and positive imagery/self-talk. None of them work well because of my lack of commitment to them and my low energy. With time, I plan on being myself again. Or a better version of myself. Right now, I’m not there yet so I’m writing here to help myself. At least I hope this helps me. I was told to keep a journal of my thoughts, so here it is. 🙂 Thanks for listening. #SickNotWeak #Anxiety #Depression #Unicorns #MentalHealth #Taboo